Hello all, things have been crazy busy of late, hence my lack of blog. This weekend I attended various bits of my cousins’ wedding, which culminated in a trip to Huddersfield on Sunday for the final furlong of his wedding.

Now I have no issue with people celebrating their wedding in the ‘traditional’ style, but let me clarify for you what the real ‘traditions’ are for an Indian wedding:

• First, and the golden rule of every Indian wedding is that under no circumstances must be in charge of things. Why have a manager, when you can step back and watch the chaos unfold?
• Linked to the point above, no one, under any circumstances, must have a clue of what is going on. From the ceremony to the catering, it is of utmost importance that chaos is the only thing that is in effect. (This weekend, the food delivery and quality was top notch, apart from when a table collapsed, but you can't account for that!)
• There must be incessant, and I mean incessant, ribbing of any man or woman of age, who isn’t married. Classic phrases are: ‘You’re next’, ‘Why aren’t you married?’ and my personal favourite, ‘What is wrong with you?’
• Someone, at some point, must be sat next to an elderly Indian person, who has given up all pretence of manners, and who farts incessantly. Seriously, sometimes it can feel like the Union Carbine disaster in those halls!
• The event must take place in a school hall or function room, neither of which were ever designed to have a fire in the middle of it.
• The food has to be some seriously spicy stuff, so as you eat, you become more and more glistening, so when the photos come round at the very end, everyone looks as unattractive as possible. (this is not a comment on the weekend's food, which was really nice, but in general)
• All drinks at this event, must be soft, and also very warm, meaning any attempt to squash aforementioned spiciness fails, and instead all that happens is the CO2 bubbles accentuate the chilli heat.
• There needs to be a cats choir of middle aged Indian women, all wailing songs which you don’t even need to understand, knowing inherently that they are about how you won’t see your family again.
• Several ‘games’ have to be played through out the day, with no one knowing the reason behind them, or the rules. Someone will invariably be injured. Whether it is due to the pre-wedding wrestling or the grooms shoe thievery. Either way, someone has to get almost hurt.

I could bang on about this forever. There are so many foibles and traditions. Why are they carrying a coconut? Why are they playing musical chairs? Why are they trying to steal the grooms nose? Why why why why why?

It was a nice weekend, lovely to see so much of my family, and we are very lucky to be welcoming Geeta (the bride) into the Modha clan. It is a shame that the Indian wedding ended with her having to walk past her whole family, in floods of tears, whilst some Indian lament plays in the back ground, and they all hug her as if she is being sent away to some slave traders or something. I thought weddings were supposed to be happy affairs?

All the way through this, and every other wedding, all that ever loops through my mind is the song ‘Tradition’ from fiddler on the roof.

- Anand