I wish terrible things upon this man

I am only going to do intermittent blogs this year, life has got busier in a good way so I can’t spend my evenings writing pap! However I cannot let something that happened recently go by without showering my full ire on it. No, not Yachtgate with Michael Gove (It would be easy to just write a simple 3 word blog about this man, and it would read: Michael Gove - tool), but the inexplicable rise of the adult Onesie

What is this trend of onesies I hear you cry? For those who don’t know what they are, they are what that dick head above this blog is wearing. Something that makes a grown adult look like an oversized baby.

At what point does anyone think it is a good idea to wear the above?!

I don’t know how this trend even started, but I have a feeling some knob from something like TOWIE or some shite like that wore one. Maybe ironically, maybe for laughs, but someone out there thought, ‘that is a great look’. And now, shops are selling them. How long before designer onesies turn up? How long before budget ones turn up? How long before I am on the buss, and I see someone wearing one, and I go postal?

What if it is like wet look jeggings, where lots of people wear them, and they all look awful and no one tells them? Lots of people think it is a good idea, when actually all it means is blokes with slight pot bellies will wear them, and won’t realise they look like Albert Steptoe?

Now there are photos of men and women wearing them popping up all over the net, along with twitter being awash with comments about them. I work in Shoreditch, which is an area rife for this kind of crap. No doubt boat shoes and lumberjack shirts will become par say and will be replaced with the onesie. Can you imagine, ironic glasses, ironic moustache, ironic onesie…jesus there is so much irony there, that it stops being ironic. There is only so much irony one can take before it stops being ironic, and all you want to do is smash the person’s face in with the bottom of a fire extinguisher whilst ironically singing  some vegan crunk anthem in a warehouse where lots of telephones hang from the ceiling because…well just because as it is sooooo Dalston.

Surely any woman out there with any sense of humanity, and I mean ANY woman out there, would say to a man who wore one of those, Yeah, I thought you were cute, but now you are just pond scum. You don’t look adorable in that, you just make me feel really weird being here with you now. Please delete my number, and never call me again!

Why has this happened? Why did all of us take our eye off the ball, and let this happen? Surely what should have happened is that whoever the progenitor was of this trend, should have been seen in public and lynched. We should have taken a collective stand. I know what has happened. Some bloke was going to a fancy dress party as a baby. Turned up at said party and one girl, who was full of gin and self loathing, copped off with this bloke. She probably woke up, disgusted at herself, and made her excuses and left. Oh but the damage had already been done!  That bloke probably woke up, rolled over to his iPhone, tweeting: Gots me a onesie, scored with a babe (sic) LOLZ M8!!!

His mates met him down the pub, and whilst they played giant Jenga, he told them about how he scored dressed as a giant baby. They probably thought about it, saying it was well meta, cause like you dressed like a baby, she probably wanted a baby, then you did sex, which makes babies. Man that is so meta! And then they went home, onto eBay, and bought themselves some. Maybe an ironic camouflage one to show how manly they are, ironic cause they hate war. Then they got a Superman one, and a banana one…and then tweeted pictures of themselves, and their mates laughed. Then one girl ‘liked’ it on Facebook, and all his friends thought they should get one as it could result in sex! And the vicious downwards spiral opened up like the staircase in the House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski!

What is fashion? It is a way for us to part with money, to buy clothes that make us attractive to the opposite sex. So oddly primal is this that people seem to by-pass comfort and any other rational thought, to take part in it. But here is where we should all take a stand against fashion. Against trends. Against this abomination!

Vive la anti-onesie revolution!

- Anand