Someone blocked the toilet eh?

Ah, Glastonbury. I wonder how many friends I will lose on Facebook over this blog! Much like when I have to couch what I say about the Middle East and China, I have to tread carefully when I write about Glastonbury, because as with religion and communism, Glastonbury is believed in as fervently as those things, and people feel very protective of it. I have many issues about it, but I want to make sure that I put these to you in the most fair and balanced way.

Another thing that I want to get out of the way is that I know 99% of the people love it because they love music, they love festivals, and they love getting blotto and listening to good tunes. And to you, I salute you. Why else would you traipse to the South West of England to stand about in a muddy field? Because you want to get loaded and have a good time. That should be the reason why most people do most things. We don’t do enough now a days to make sure we have fun. In fact we do the opposite and put barriers in the way, so kudos to those at the festival.

Now…my issues with Glastonbury

Firstly, it is the whole idea that everyone should go. Evangelists for the event, will relentless go on about it. The weeks building up to the event have a reverence over who will be playing, where they will be staying, who they will be with. I understand that, it is an exciting event. But it is done very much in the open. Maybe this stems from jealousy on my part, because I often feel the same when people harp on about their holidays. Jealous because I don’t ever want to sleep in a tent. Jealous because the idea of traipsing around in mud is not even remotely attractive. Jealous because I cannot not go for a dump for 3 days!

Seriously, the toilet thing sounds like something you come across at a refugee camp. Add to that most of those expulsions will be hangover related, and the idea of all that excrement upsets me now, in London, hundreds of miles away from it.

Then there is the thing where people say it is the perfect environment to experience live music. I have been to festivals before, and I disagree with this. To me, the perfect venue to experience is a small venue, which has been sound checked, and makes the crowd feel part of the act. A connection with the act is a key part of hearing music. How can you connect with an audience, if there are over 100,000 of them, and most of them are thinking about how they will update their facebook status about how great a time they are having watching Tinchy Strider or something? Actually, watching some of the acts on the BBC, the sound felt massively washed out.

But what I think Glastonbury does worst of all, is reinforce musical elitism. Music is one of those things that transcends race, creed and all that BS. It is a way for a person, or persons to connect with another human being. It maybe a song that makes you want to jump up and down, or it might be one that makes you cry. But the reason you have these emotional reactions is because it is for you, and everyone else. Yet Glastonbury puts on a smorgasboard of options, you can’t see everyone you want, and some of those acts may not come back to play in the country for years because they played Glastonbury. So if you missed that, you missed it. Tough tits I am afraid. And then you have people like Zane Lowe.

Now to a certain degree, I appreciate that Beyonce is not his type of music. I equally understand that standing next to Lauren Laverne spew hyperbolic crap about her could be annoying, but his reaction to when she asked 'What did you think?' he replied with a guffaw, before saying simply: 'I went to watch Queens of The Stone Age'. Fair enough. I like Queens of the Stone Age, but it is that kind of snobbery that puts people off going to see live music. As if one type is better than another. A lot of people love Beyonce, I know people who went only because of her. And I am sure, Eavis was glad she was there to ensure the festival remained relevant, even if it meant selling a bit of its soul as a result.

Then you have the elitism with the idea that it is only really white acts that play. In recent years that has changed, and I don’t doubt this is a conscious choice of Eavis to ensure the spirit of the festival remains. But then you have massive dick heads like Noel Gallagher saying that rap and r’n’b doesn’t belong there. Again, he was proved massively wrong about that by the reception Jay-Z and his missus Beyonce got. To the bouncing mosh pit of Dizzee Rascal the year before, the audience there was there to have a good time. And they didn’t care if the act was black, white or Chinese. As long as they could drink Red Stripe, smoke a tree and bounce up and down, they didn’t care. Which is the right attitude. Maybe it is because Gallagher and his band’s Beatles light schtick stopped being interesting years ago, and he has been usurped, he took it so personally.

Then you have those toss bags with their giant flags. Right at the front, waving them, blocking out the whole stage. I would burn them! Take that hippy, I paid good money for my ticket, and I ain’t letting  your flag ruin my time. I want to see Beyonce jiggling dammit!

Anyway, it is over for another year. All the hung over and coming down peeps are all travelling home to their usual haunts. Ready to regale their friends with tales from their bacchanalian 3 day bender. They will talk of their excitement about the next festival, how they are going to go and do stuff differently. And then we can all look forward to the next festival, cause there are so fecking many nowadays! Latitude you say? Wireless? LoveBox? Etc etc etc…

- Anand