As someone who likes to sit in the dark and watch films uninterrupted, I was very happy last week when Kermode and Mayo read out their code of conduct for the cinema. I nodded whilst I listened, thinking to myself that I should get a print out of it, as usually I am too cowardly to say anything to anyone as they enact any of the said misdemeanors. I didn't, because only my laziness can match my cowardice. 

So you can imagine my intense frustrations and the biblical levels of impotent rage when I went to watch Harry Potter 7.1 last night and was privy to a brazen demonstration of half of the crimes. I went straight from work, hoping that an early evening showing would be quieter, and on entering I was proved right. 6 or 7 souls had the same idea, and there wasn't a child in sight. 

'Great' I thought, I will be able to watch this in silence, and go home happy. 15 minutes into the trailers, a large group of students came in and sat behind me. They proceeded to:

Eat noisily and loudly through-out the film, regularly passing their scrunching bag of crisps up and down their number  

The girl behind me put her feet on the back of my seat, and several times as I righted myself (I am a bit of a sloucher), my head collided with them. She then took to occasionally kicking my chair afterwards. It was only at the end did i realise that half way through the film she must have taken off her shoes too. 

They talked incessantly, making jokes amongst themselves, and ruining many of the quieter moments of the film. At one point, one said, 'so who is Harry Potter, and how come he can do magic.' I was speechless with anger.  

One of their number was late, and after phoning him from the auditorium, they laughed raucously when he arrived, as if his ineptitude at turning up on time was the funniest thing in the history of comedy. 

At one point I thought that this might be some sort of wind up, like someone was testing me in a Jeremy Beadle fashion, but I discounted this idea because I couldn't figure out why anyone would do that. So at the end of the film (which I thought was enjoyable, with some beautiful shots), instead of being able to ruminate on the film, all I could do is turn around, glower at them in utter disgust and walk out, contemplating whether to go see it again, this time without the tossers. 

- Anand